So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
