I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
