The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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