hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
