if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Did you just see the Batmobile???
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Randomize
