I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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