so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
