dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
