I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
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