I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
