You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize
