Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
