I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
