I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
