I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
