I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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