the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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