Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Randomize
