shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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