I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
