at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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