overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
