Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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