My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
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