wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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