i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
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