Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
he came faster then a bring it on movie goes to dvd
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
