i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
That's when you crack a 10am beer
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
