Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
