I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Randomize
