I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
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