My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Randomize
