The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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