i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Randomize
