if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Randomize
