I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
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