Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I just gift wrapped bread.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
