then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
