The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Randomize
