The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Randomize
