We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Randomize
