Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
