i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
