just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Randomize