sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
