I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
why is half of my head shaved?
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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