This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
