my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
