dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
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