New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Randomize
