yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Randomize
