Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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