I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Someone shattered a urinal.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize