are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Randomize
