My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Barsexuality is the new black.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
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