He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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