On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
