my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
